Before you create or build your perfect life, you have to honestly answer a surprisingly personal and difficult question: what does “perfect” actually and intrinsically mean to you?
Too often, we inherit our idea of “perfect” from our parents, community, peers, friends, and even social media. To live a life of contentment, peace, productivity, and true self-expression, the definition of “perfect” must come from within. Exterior perfection is imposed; interior perfection is expressed.
Most people, including writers, spend years pursuing goals we never consciously and intentionally chose. We get lost in the illusion of “normal,” yet lives are unique and individual; nothing about them is normal. We inherit ideas and expectations about success, happiness, security, achievement, and even what we “should” write. We then organize our lives around these false ideals, conforming to them and never asking or examining whether they truly belong to us. It’s not surprising that too many people reach the end of their lives feeling frustrated by what they wish they had done. To avoid that horrible end, stop living others’ lives now and live yours.
The danger of living a life that belongs to someone else is obvious. You can build a life you never truly wanted. There is nothing but sadness in that. A life perfectly lived begins with objectively noticing the life you already live, seeking to understand why you’ve made the choices you’ve made before judging them, and then deciding for yourself what deserves to remain, what must be left behind, and where you go from here. Don’t only outline and write your books; outline and write your life.
Perfection is never something you discover. Perfection is what you define. And whatever you define today does not limit what your life may yet become.
Life is an adventure of trial and error. It is a mistake to believe the perfect life must be flawless. It won’t be, and that is part of the joy. A perfect hike goes through hills and valleys. A perfect life does the same. Plans will fail. Others will disappoint us. Even with the best-laid plans, circumstances will change. We will gain, without doubt, but we will also lose. Neither defines the whole journey. Both become part of who we are becoming. The question isn’t whether difficulty exists. The answer is whether your life reflects what matters most to you, despite the difficulties and successes that are truly yours.
Living a perfect life, as we’ve defined it here, requires honesty and courage. A prestigious career, a larger house, more recognition, a bigger paycheck may all be worthwhile goals, as long as they do not come at the expense of other, perhaps more important things you have not identified. Align your life with what you genuinely want for yourself, while remaining open to the person you are still becoming.
One question has guided me through many important decisions. When do I feel the most alive? Ask yourself this question daily. Pay attention to those moments when you feel most alive. Perhaps it is when you are creating something that truly speaks to your heart. Maybe it is when you are teaching, walking in the woods, solving a difficult problem, sharing dinner with family or friends, or making time to read quietly in the evening. Maybe it is as simple as taking time each evening, as my daughter does, to watch the sunset and reflect on the day and what she sees for tomorrow. Life’s moments aren’t random. Each moment, if we’re living deliberately, is a clue. What repeatedly brings you alive may be telling you something about the life you’re being asked to cultivate.
Part of life’s discomfort is not being true to who we are and failing to decide what “enough” looks like for ourselves. Without that answer, every achievement simply creates another target. We spend our lives reaching for what comes next and risk overlooking what is already alive around us. Making “more” the default will never equate to a better life. The richest lives aren’t the ones with the most toys or certificates hanging on our walls. The most fulfilled lives are filled with what matters to our souls.
Here’s an exercise I’ve used for years. Don’t imagine your perfect vacation. Instead, imagine your perfect Thursday. Where do you wake up? What kind of work fills your day? Who do you spend time with? How do you feel when your head touches the pillow at night? Most of life isn’t lived in extraordinary moments, despite what we see in others’ lives or what they post on social media. Life is lived on ordinary Thursdays. If you can build a life you genuinely enjoy on an ordinary day, you’re far closer to your definition of a perfect life than you may realize.
Your definition of perfect will change over time. That is not inconsistency. It is becoming. You are not finished, and neither is the life you are creating. As you and the circumstances around you change, your understanding of a meaningful life should grow with you. Notice what matters. Ask yourself why it matters. Then make small choices that allow more of that life to become real.
Perfect isn’t about having the ideal life. It is about living a life that is truly yours.
