Memoirs: Writing a Good One

You’re not writing an autobiography; you are writing a memoir. So, what’s the difference? A lot. An autobiography tells about your life. A memoir is a narrative work where you reflect on a particular time of your life, an experience, or maybe a theme of a specific period. It’s not your entire life complete with dates and homages to every moment of your breathing life. It is a snapshot of a particular angle.

The purpose of the autobiography is to tell your life story and how you got from point A to where you are now. Memoirs are different. They shoot to provide depth, insight, clarity, and inspiration regarding a specific part of your life that hopefully has a universal appeal. Unlike autobiographies that try to cover your whole life chronologically, memoirs are selective, thematic, intimate, and literary and can follow almost any form of narration (not a chronological progression).

Whereas an autobiography covers a lifetime, a memoir seeks to create depth over distance. Memoirs go deep. They are not superficial. They strive for a richer exploration of events, emotions, or thoughts. They are focused on you, not the trajectory of your life.

Memoirs, or the best ones I’ve read, heavily focus on a theme. Like a novel or nonfiction book, they congregate around a central idea or question that pushes the narrative forward as the author explores the topic from various angles and illustrations. Memoirs are cohesive and tight. They are your thoughts and feelings, not a chronology of events. Common themes that I enjoy in memoirs are resilience, self-discovery, family dynamics, overcoming adversity, or how someone accomplished something when the odds were heavily stacked against them. Memoirs are going into the head of the writer to share the thoughts and feelings that the author is exploring or sharing.

Memoirs are about connection. Readers bond more deeply when the writing is personal. A broader cross-section of readers loves well-developed stories and reflections and tends to value them commercially over autobiographies. Autobiographies tend to be formal and, for the most part, usually slanted toward the writer's successes. Memoirs tend to be more authentic, exposing all the warts and then the spring flowers of a realization previously missed.

Memoirs can be about almost anything where the writer is reflective. You can write about a single event or journey, such as a hiking trip that changed your life or how you overcame the grief of losing a loved one (human or pet). You can write about your career, not as a how-I-did-it, but a reflection of your feelings and emotions as you ran the gauntlet. Or your passions. You can write about your growing-up experiences by reflecting on how you were changed, what you still don’t understand, and what you’ve learned to accept. You can view your life's serious and funny sides as a waitperson. You can explore relationships and family. Those are always a source of fun. Look at unconventional families and how you adapted to them—looking at a life of chaos because your family is, for lack of a more descriptive word, nuts. Write about how you fought the odds to better yourself and get an education. Write about your personal growth. Write about life’s transformations. Reflect on your identity. Think about the meaning of unconditional love. Describe how you found empowerment. Tell how you survived, not the events, but the mental power you used, intellectually and emotionally, to rise above a horrible event in your life. What you write about is endless. Just remember that it is not about what you did. It is how it changed your thinking and altered your emotions. That’s the key to an extraordinary memoir.

Strive with your memoir to hit that narrow focus. Give your story a clear and clean arc. You started there one way; you ended here another. Focus, really focus, on what’s going on in your head and heart. Don’t discuss disjointed events. That’s the autobiography. Focus on how this theme or experience affected you. That is a memoir. Look for lessons. Look for growth. Memoirs with a specific purpose, not just a list of events, are more appealing to publishers because these kinds of universal explorations appeal to their readers.

So, you’ve decided to write a memoir. You’ve got an event, a situation, or a quandary that has enthralled or puzzled you, and you want to share it with others. Let’s do it. Think before you start, though. What story, lesson, or question are you trying to answer or share? What snapshot incidents or reflections feel significant to you or, even better, transformative? Themes often come from coming-of-age (any age) kinds of stories and explore events and reflections on love, loss, success, failure, growth, understanding, insight, and even survival. Before you start, list key events, moments, or thoughts supporting your central theme. Remember, memoirs are about theme, not a chronology of events. Think about what parts of your memoir could inspire others or help them understand. Decide what experiences have altered how you view yourself and the world. The important thing for a memoir is to stick to a theme. Don’t try to cover too much ground; instead, dig deep. Keep your memoir focused; remember it is not about your life; it is about an event or curiosity in your life. Establish your clear intent before you start writing and refer to it often; it is easy to stray off track. Make sure your experiences are relevant to others. Sometimes, writers write memoirs as though they were writing diaries. No one cares. Instead, write – as I always encourage – with your reader in mind. Write to make a difference in their life as much as find understanding in yours.

What do you think? Do you have a moment like this that you can explore? Do you have an issue or a theme that requires thoughts and reflections to be examined from different angles? If so, you probably have the germ of an extraordinary memoir. All you must do now is write it. I look forward to reading your story.