Bullet-Proofing Your Serious Conversations: 10 Tips for Handling Difficult Situations with Grace and Respect
There are times when you must have serious conversations. These might be with your agent, manager, accountant, editor, publisher, bookseller, spouse, or even kids. It’s not the conversation that turns out to be the problem; it is how you handle it.
What you need is a little bullet-proofing. You see, most of the time when we have these serious conversations, we’re jacked up and ready to fight. This is not the time to converse. That’s the time to take a cold shower and cool down. Conversations where a publisher thinks about dropping you are not the time to lose your cool or fly off the handle. What will that accomplish other than proving the other guy’s point?
I’ve worked in public relations and contract negotiations for many years. I’ve dealt with all the people I’ve referenced above. I’ve had some potentially life-changing conversations and failed at some. But in the process, I’ve learned ten points that, if I keep my cool enough to remember, I always make a positive difference in difficult situations. These I share with you.
Speak up respectfully when you see a problem. Lots of times, we choose to let things go. They fester. Relationships start to become sour. Things could have been saved in the early days when the problem was first noticed, but let it continue to the point of no return, and that’s exactly what you have. So, when you see a problem, respectfully bring it up.
Converse face-to-face (or at least by Zoom or phone). Sending a text or leaving a voice message is a coward’s way of confronting a problem. We can read the sincerity in other people’s actual voices; others need to hear the tones in our voices. Make sure the person you are speaking with can hear your sincerity.
Most problems result from behavior. Most of the time, the people we have a problem with aren’t bad people. The work environment isn’t that bad. The situation may not even be that bad. The problem is not the person, place, or thing; it is often only a particular behavior that drives you nuts. To quote the cliché: don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. Bad behavior does not make a bad person. Give the person the opportunity to change.
Focus on the stakes. It’s simple: what do you have to lose? Is it worth losing to win the argument? Usually not. The stakes are usually not even the issue. It is the friendship or the working relationship. You can fix issues. Once you blow the relationship, you’re lost. The issues no longer matter.
Really listen to the opinions. I’ve found, sometimes to my surprise, sometimes to my delight, that someone else’s opinion may be right, or they have a good point that could be incorporated into a bigger picture to make things even better. When explained, what might start as a misunderstanding might be the perfect piece to the puzzle we’ve been missing. When you have serious conversations, it is never about being right; it is about what is best for the cause.
Keep emotions in check. Nothing is worse than losing your cool. However, you choose to display it (yelling, crying, stomping, sulking up). Keep the discussion in your prefrontal cortex. That means thinking about it. Don’t feel. Look at things logically. You’ll think more clearly if you don’t let yourself get emotionally worked up. Find your Zen. Stick with your Zen no matter what the other person says.
Don’t succumb to the pressure. If you’ve got a case, don’t back down. You don’t have to stand up rudely, but if you’ve got a case, stand up. It’s easy to feel like this isn’t going anywhere or that you are being overpowered and walk away. Don’t. Stay in the pressure cooker but refuse to feel the heat. Again, keep your emotions in check.
Stay focused on what you really want. Sometimes, it is easy to get sidetracked. Serious conversations usually come down to one issue. Before you have the conversation, make sure you’ve identified the issue and what you want out of it. Then, stick to that issue. Never make it personal. It’s always about the issue.
Make it a win-win. If you’re asking someone to compromise or change how they act, you need to toss them a bone, as well. It’s got to be a win-win for everyone. Everyone needs to walk away with a trophy. Everyone needs to walk away with their dignity. Take the high road. Always make sure a win-win happens.
Admit when you are wrong. Sometimes, you’ll bring up an issue you see as a serious problem only to discover that you misunderstood or are at fault. If so, admit it. Strong people admit their wrongs and say they are sorry. Weak people can’t face their own imperfections. Be the muscle person in the conversation.
Remember these ten points next time you must have a serious conversation with a team member, friend, or family member. You’ll be amazed at how easily the conversation goes.
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